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I have a really hard time returning library books on time. I am willing to bet I have paid hundreds of dollars to libraries throughout my lifetime, despite only being 22-years-old.

The library I have paid the most money to, by far, is my university’s library. Even though I have lived nearly every quarter of my college career on campus (and still went to campus nearly every week during the times I didn’t), I still manage to keep racking up library fines (you can imagine my bank account’s relief at me finally graduating this semester).

For some reason, the thought of bringing my library books up to campus or simply logging onto the library website and renewing my books gives me horrible anxiety. The fines simply aren’t motivation enough for me to go through with returning the books on time.

Today when I walked into the library, I was thinking about my future kids. I was thinking about how I would encourage them to use databases available to them through their library like Hoopla and Overdrive, which allow you to rent and view material electronically because the system returns the books for you when the due date comes. There is no need to worry about racking up fines.

When it did come to returning physical materials, I would be sure to instill in them that returning their books on time is of the utmost importance. And that it was important for me to make sure that they would return their books on time so that they didn’t “end up like me”.

And then the little kid in my head I was “teaching a valuable lesson to” asked me, “How come you can’t just make sure you’re returning your own books on time?”

I think too often we view ourselves as lost causes. We exert all this energy onto other people, trying to make them feel better about themselves, trying to give them “opportunities of a lifetime”, or trying to make them better people in some sort of ill-advised effort to feel better about ourselves.

“I may not be as successful, confident, etc. as I would like to be, but at least I helped her become closer to the person she wants to be.”

Why don’t we exert the same energy on ourselves? Why do I find myself so often fantasizing about taking care of children who don’t yet exist? Or giving someone else the life they’ve always dreamed of? Or find it easier to write my boyfriend’s notes out for him than do my own?

I know there is somewhat of a revolution right now encouraging people (and especially women) to take care of themselves. But how much of this revolution is precisely that?: telling other people to take care of themselves on our Twitter accounts while we continue to ignore our own needs.

So I won’t tell you to take care of yourself. I won’t tell you to wake up every morning and tell yourself, “I love you,” in the mirror. I won’t tell you to write down 3 things you like about yourself everyday.

I will ask you to ask yourself:

• What have I given up on myself for? Was it your dream to learn how to watercolor or play the guitar? Or maybe just be more confident, more social, or have more friends. In what area of life have you viewed yourself as a “lost cause”? In what area have you “waited too long” or is it “too late” for?
• What area do I help others in that I wish someone else would help me with? Is it your confidence, or self-esteem? Do you keep going the extra mile to give someone gifts and wish someone else would do the same for you?
• Why is it so easy for me to put others’ needs above my own? And how can you stop doing that? Do you endlessly help other people with their resumes and yet never update your own? Do you go out of your way to pack your husband a lunch yet rarely pack your own?

I know these are all questions I will be struggling with myself the next few weeks, as I try to implement my own plan for change.

I started this blog initially in order to try to make an impact on other people’s lives. Never once did I consider making an impact on my own.